My good friend Hannah (the writer, the one who let's me critique her work) found a quote just earlier today, I believe. She felt the urge to share it with me, and I am so thankful she did.
"Hollywood has given us two, equally false, notions of marriage.
Either it’s the joining of two gorgeous young people “destined” to be
together, or as a wheezing and cold institution inhabited by miserable
and middle-aged wheezebags, usually meant to illustrate a counterpoint
to the love the gorgeous young couple in the film will share once their
destinies are realized, and they are able to finally be together against
all odds. Yawn. Boring. Wrong…
It’s doing laundry. It’s paying
bills. Cleaning the kitty litter. Marriage is a hundred thousand tiny
tasks you share. It is peeling vegetables and changing lightbulbs and
giving each other quick kisses and wishing for each other 'a nice day'.
It is coming home and smelling dinner cooking, and running out on a cold
winter night for antacid because she has a headache and cannot sleep. Sometimes marriage is being pissed off at each other for weeks at a
time. And sometimes it’s walking into your children’s bedrooms and
watching them sleep."
-- Micheal Ian Black
I kind of hate to admit it, but I almost cried. Emphasis on almost. If it was something sappy, I'd be snickering instead. But this is just so honest, and that's what makes it beautiful. Truthfully, I find this view of marriage to be absolutely gorgeous.
I've said this before, somewhere, but I'll say it again--if God hadn't specifically said that He wanted me to be a wife, marriage really would not be a big deal to me. Growing up, those of the male kind were gross. I enjoyed playing kickball with them, but that was about it. Romantic scenes in movies made me cover my eyes. I always wanted to puke when seeing a couple hold hands or kiss. (Actually, the reaction remains resolutely the same--I guess things will be different when it's me that makes others want to puke.)
God bless the man who is to be my husband. Honestly, there are times when I already pity him and when I'm glad I'm not married. For heaven's sake, I'm not even twenty yet, I work at a dog kennel, and I'm not much of a cook. I don't spend time thinking about ideas for dates, and I haven't begun planning every detail of my wedding. (Well, I do know that I want there to be a lot of dancing. The bridegroom doesn't have to dance at all--I'll dance for both of us.)
There are scores of young women out there who look better than I do upon waking up. There are young women who are kind and compassionate and who don't speak in words dripping with sarcasm, and they are usually also morning people. There are young women who are much more spiritual than I am, who speak in a much more appropriate manner than I do, and pretty much every single one of their Facebook posts has something to do about the Lord. Don't misinterpret, there is nothing wrong with lovingly speaking about God on Facebook. But every single post? If not doing that ensures going to hell on a technicality, I may as well just take the elevator down now. I just feel there's something false about it. Like they only speak of how much they love God and how wonderful He is all the time. Personally, I feel a little dab'll do ya. It's more meaningful to me to see a beautiful post about the Lord as opposed to fifty of them in the same week.
Maybe that's just me being critical. But when I read what these women post about the Lord, I can't help but feel bad because sometimes I get angry with God and argue with Him, usually out loud and loudly. How dumb is it to try to argue with your Maker?
But deep down, I know that being furious with God is just a natural part of being honest with Him. It makes the relationship stronger, and it makes us closer.
I guess it's just weird to me that some young women never mention feeling angry, or disgruntled, or annoyed at God. They would never dare say, "That's just sick" to Him when He moves in a way that catches them completely off-guard.
Whereas I have told the Lord, "I love you, and I trust you, but I think you suck right now," to His face more times than I can count.
I was praying last night about marriage. I told the Lord a lot of things, including the above statement. And for some reason, I thought about the promise in Isaiah 62:5, which is:
As a young man marries a young woman,
so will your Builder marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
In case you start mistakenly thinking I'm such an incredibly spiritual person, let it be known that I had no idea what the promise exactly was and where it was in the Bible. I had to open up another tab and do some research.
Anyways. I asked the Lord to be my husband.
It just came out of my mouth. I couldn't believe it when I heard it, and I couldn't understand it. But thinking about it more... Yeah, the Lord is our Father and Counselor and Savior and Rock and Prince of Peace and all that stuff and more. We get it. The thing is, though, I'm not really at a stage where I really want any of those things. Or, well... I guess what I mean is, God takes on different roles for us in different stages of life, you know? Some people need more emphasis on the Heavenly Father part. Some people require a Friend. For others, they want Shelter and Refuge. Personally, I usually refer to God as "Lord" because I am arrogant and self-serving and I need reminders that I am a servant, and I am not the center of the world. I also like referring to Him as "Big Guns Upstairs" as an affectionate nickname.
But right now, in this stage of life when I am so longing for an earthly husband, I need a Husband. I need a Husband who loves me passionately, who pursues me and wins my heart and who I love, but who I can constantly fall in love with again and again, more and more, every single stinkin' day. I need a Lover who does things with me, like sitting in a restaurant or driving together in comfortable silence or cleaning out the kitty litter box or listening to live jazz. I need a Marriage where we are both okay with the fact that I am honest or angry or honest about the fact that I am angry, and I need a Marriage that is full of rejoicing when there is growth in the relationship.
Look, I can't wait for my wedding day. If you're reading this, you're invited. But our wedding day should not be the best day of our lives. The day we meet the Lord, the day we discover how much He loves us, the day we fall in love with Him for the first time, and then the second time, and then the twenty-fourth time... THOSE days are the most memorable days.
And maybe I was wrong about asking the Lord to be my Husband. Maybe He proposed to me a long time ago. Maybe He's been in front of me, on one knee, holding out a ring, earnestly looking up into my face as I've grimaced and sighed and considered, and then finally thrown up my hands and said yes after years of Him waiting.
What I'm trying to say is this: I want a husband, but I
don't need a husband. I want to be a wife, but I can't be a good wife
until I am deeply immersed in my first Love, my first Husband.
"When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."
-- C. S. Lewis
