It's Natural to Be Afraid

Living Waters is kicking my butt. It's twenty weeks long but it feels like it is dragging on forever. Sometimes I think that a few weeks are secretly added in.

I'm pretty sick of having to study every week about how broken people are, and I'm tired of knowing how much I am NOT capable of doing things right. I'm sick and tired of being reminded of how much I really fall short of the glory of God and the woman He has called me to be.

It's rather exhausting.

I'm ready for Living Waters to be done, for multiple reasons.

At the same time, I'm not. There's still a lot of broken places I haven't discovered yet inside of myself, and there is a lot of healing that has begun to take place, and that has yet to begin. And as much as knowing my broken places sucks, it's also eye-opening and humbling to find places where you can allow God to move in and do what He wants. Words can't quite do it justice.

Yesterday happened to be the most intense lesson, involving everyone standing up and confessing certain past sins out loud. Since the class is private, that's all I'm going to say. Well, besides the fact that basically everyone cried their eyes out and the supply of tissues ran low.

Yeahhhhhh, it was a hard experience. But honestly, it was well worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I don't think it's JUST because it makes you feel better inside, with Jesus having taken some of your burdens and shouldering it. Believe me, it is a powerful thing... but that's not the ONLY thing.

There was a large cross standing in the middle of the room. I sat with my arms wrapped around my legs, feeling like a little girl, and looked up at the cross. I just looked at it. And the image is still engraved in my mind. It was not an extraordinary cross in an extraordinary room. But the cross is a symbol of something and Someone so powerful that I just sat and stared.

And I thought about how lucky I am, to have a God that is so big and yet cares so deeply that He sent His beloved son to come down personally and bear the weight of the world for us. And I thought about how much MORE pain and healing I would willingly go through... not really for personal gain, but for those around me. So I guess this is really to resolve myself.

I will do it for my friends and family, near and far.

I will do it for the youth at the church who look to me for leadership and advice and to hear God for them. 

I will do it for my husband whom I love already, and our family, who I am excited to meet.

It's not an easy thing, healing. It's more scary than anything, and it's natural to be afraid. But what matters is that we are brave enough to face it anyways.

This song to me describes healing. The song is pretty long, but then again, so is the healing process. Healing doesn't happen right away in most cases--most times you have to experience the pain for a good long time before it starts to be soothed. Pain, after all, is an indicator that healing is on its way. It's loud and chaotic at first, but when you stick through it, the volume fades and you can begin to hear God's tenderness better.

Happy listening.

You have so much to offer.

Dear You,

You have so much to offer. You may not feel like it, but you do. God gave you all these gifts, all these dreams, all these desires, all of your personality traits and quirks. He doesn’t make mistakes. Yes, you have weaknesses, but in our weakest places is where He stands the strongest. He is such a gentleman, though. He doesn’t just storm into our souls and mark His territory. He knocks first. Gently. Then—when we are driven to the point of despair and desperation enough to open the door to our soul and, trembling, fall to our knees—He walks in, rolls up His sleeves, and gets to work. He takes our weakest areas and turns it into testimonies to inspire others. He takes the things that once gave us shame and turns them into things we can glorify Him with. He takes abuse, physical and psychological illness, addictions, idols, broken sexuality, self-mutilation, and uses it for an intimate relationship with Him that we would have never had without such desperate circumstances. Not only that, but He takes these things and uses them to show love to others. It’s such an exciting and humbling moment when you look at a friend, a family member, a spouse, a child, a ministry, and honestly say, “Yes, I struggled with this. But God gave me strength to overcome it because He knew you would come into my life. It was a difficult sacrifice because I felt false identity and security in it, or felt acceptable for a moment, or was trying to fill a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. But I loved you so much that I gave this up for you.”

You have so much to offer. But you don’t have to offer me anything because I will just love you anyways.

You don’t have to buy me anything. You don’t have to compliment me. You don’t have to start a conversation with me every chance there is. You don’t have to call me or send me text messages or have my phone number memorized. You don’t have to attend every event I plan, or help me with every event I plan. You don’t have to go to my birthday party or even remember my birthday. You don’t have to like every single thing I like.

You don’t have to have my life story memorized, and I don’t have to have your life story memorized. You don’t have to ask me the hard questions I like to be asked. You don’t have to give me advice. You don’t have to ask me for advice. You don’t have to think I’m the greatest person that has ever existed. You don’t even have to spend one-on-one time with me.

You don’t have to have known Jesus for a certain amount of time. You don’t have to hang out with a certain group of people. You don’t have to be of a certain way, personality, culture, ethnicity, gender, age, height, or weight. You don’t have to have sweet possessions or drive a sweet car. You don’t have to be able to buy sweet possessions or to be able to drive. You don’t have to look nice all of the time. You don’t have to look nice most of the time. You don’t even have to be nice all or most of the time. You don’t have to be someone you’re not.

You don’t have to have been “clean” all of your life. You don’t have to have never consumed a drop of alcohol ever. You don’t have to have never struggled with any kind of addiction. You don’t have to have unscarred wrists. You don’t have to have never lusted. You don’t have to be a virgin.

You don’t have to find me pretty, or mature, or godly, or strong. You don’t always have to be strong either. You don’t have to be the person who hands me a tissue box if I cry, and you don’t have to be the one who gives me a hug. You don’t have to be the one that comes and prays truth over me.

You don’t have to worry about me because I am in the palm of God’s hand.

I release you of all of these expectations I may hold over your head. Yes, there will be times when I will. Please forgive me of that, and the Lord will work those things out in my heart as He wishes. There will be times when I will not particularly like you. Regardless, you don’t have to offer me anything. 

There is nothing, absolutely nothing you have to do. 

I will just love you anyways.