It's Natural to Be Afraid

Living Waters is kicking my butt. It's twenty weeks long but it feels like it is dragging on forever. Sometimes I think that a few weeks are secretly added in.

I'm pretty sick of having to study every week about how broken people are, and I'm tired of knowing how much I am NOT capable of doing things right. I'm sick and tired of being reminded of how much I really fall short of the glory of God and the woman He has called me to be.

It's rather exhausting.

I'm ready for Living Waters to be done, for multiple reasons.

At the same time, I'm not. There's still a lot of broken places I haven't discovered yet inside of myself, and there is a lot of healing that has begun to take place, and that has yet to begin. And as much as knowing my broken places sucks, it's also eye-opening and humbling to find places where you can allow God to move in and do what He wants. Words can't quite do it justice.

Yesterday happened to be the most intense lesson, involving everyone standing up and confessing certain past sins out loud. Since the class is private, that's all I'm going to say. Well, besides the fact that basically everyone cried their eyes out and the supply of tissues ran low.

Yeahhhhhh, it was a hard experience. But honestly, it was well worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I don't think it's JUST because it makes you feel better inside, with Jesus having taken some of your burdens and shouldering it. Believe me, it is a powerful thing... but that's not the ONLY thing.

There was a large cross standing in the middle of the room. I sat with my arms wrapped around my legs, feeling like a little girl, and looked up at the cross. I just looked at it. And the image is still engraved in my mind. It was not an extraordinary cross in an extraordinary room. But the cross is a symbol of something and Someone so powerful that I just sat and stared.

And I thought about how lucky I am, to have a God that is so big and yet cares so deeply that He sent His beloved son to come down personally and bear the weight of the world for us. And I thought about how much MORE pain and healing I would willingly go through... not really for personal gain, but for those around me. So I guess this is really to resolve myself.

I will do it for my friends and family, near and far.

I will do it for the youth at the church who look to me for leadership and advice and to hear God for them. 

I will do it for my husband whom I love already, and our family, who I am excited to meet.

It's not an easy thing, healing. It's more scary than anything, and it's natural to be afraid. But what matters is that we are brave enough to face it anyways.

This song to me describes healing. The song is pretty long, but then again, so is the healing process. Healing doesn't happen right away in most cases--most times you have to experience the pain for a good long time before it starts to be soothed. Pain, after all, is an indicator that healing is on its way. It's loud and chaotic at first, but when you stick through it, the volume fades and you can begin to hear God's tenderness better.

Happy listening.