Beware of the friend-zone, my friend.

Have you ever had that good friend who you've known for years and years on end, and they had feelings for you but you never thought of them as more than that good friend who you've known for years and years on end?

Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, have you ever had that good friend who you've known for years and years on end, who you had crazy intense feelings for but no matter what you did they never thought of you as more?

I've been a part of both situations. There have been several guys who I've known seemingly forever, who have had crushes on me for several years and I never noticed a thing... or even noticed them to be someone who even thought of me that way. Oops. And then there has been one situation where I liked one of my guy friends for... how long did it last... I don't know, five years?

It was agony, let me tell you. I did a lot of things for him. For years I went out of my way to speak with him, to make him laugh, to listen, to be close by. I often dreamed about what it would be like the day he realized I was the perfect girl, the love of his life. It never happened, but I had hope that one day I would emerge from the friend-zone in his mind.

False hope, it turned out to be. It was indeed the hope that makes the heart sick--the kind of hope that is blind and which turns out to be fruitless because the only thing that keeps the hope alive is a mere wish that things will magically change because you want them to, not because there is any sort of reality behind it.

It took a long time for me to realize that he didn't like me, that he had no intentions of liking me, and that there was absolutely no point in liking him anymore. It was sickening, to be sure. And I did cry a little. But oddly, there was relief in letting those emotions for him go. More than relief... it was like a heavy burden--one which had developed over time, so slowly that I had never noticed it--had been taken off my shoulders. For the first time in years, I felt quite free. Happy, too... because now it could be just me and God.

That was months ago. And I wouldn't have posted this online for all to see except the fact that I'm finally realizing something that I should've realized then. Better late than never, though.

What if... okay, wrong way to start out that sentence. I'm pretty sure God feels this way, but I'll still say it as a rhetorical question. What if... this is similar to how God feels about us? What if He loves us unconditionally for years and years, before we were even born, no matter what we've done or what we do or what we're going to do? And what if we just think of Him as someone in the friend-zone?

There's no question as to if He loves us that way. He does. He loves us more than we can fathom, He loves us so much He sent His son to shed blood for us.

But I think a lot of us only view Him as a friend. I know I do. I tend to view Him as someone I've known for years, as someone I've grown up with, as someone who has become a great friend in more recent years. God is someone I trust (most of the time), someone I talk to and confide in, someone that I enjoy spending time with. I have a great friendship with Him.

But I haven't been in love with Him. To fully be in relationship with God, we must not only be great friends with Him but we must be deeply in love with Him. I never understood that until very recently. We must be completely in love with Him.

Thinking about it, it's hard to understand why I've never loved Him before. Why not? He's done so much for me that it's astonishing--He always makes me laugh. He's given me worth and beauty just because He made me. He's listened to everything I say. He tells me the truth even if I don't want to hear it. He protects me. He guides me. He has a wonderful plan for me, far better than anything I can imagine (and I have a pretty good imagination). He's healed me in places where I was deeply hurt. He's forgiven me for everything I've done and everything I will do. He's forgiven me for neglecting to think about Him and for not being obedient. He's always been there to sit with me, either silently or not so silently.

All this and more God does for me. And really, there's no reason for Him to make the effort. This is the dude who made the stars and the earth and the sky and the sun and the ocean and the mountains and all the intricate things of the universe. Sounds pretty intimidating, right? And yet all He wants is me. Us.

The more I think about it, the more amazed I am that I've placed God in the friend-zone for so long. For heavens sake, why have I done that?? No person could ever do all those things for me. Not even the best spouse in the world could come close. The best spouse in the world wouldn't have the strength to do that all the time, anyways.

I can feel my world shifting. I can feel my perspective changing, the same sort of thing that happens when you look at someone you know with fresh, new eyes. I can feel something happening inside of me, in my soul and my heart and my mind and even in my very skin. I can feel myself falling in love with God. The God who loved me first, who has always been with me through the years, who has never wavered from my side. The God who has never changed but who I'm suddenly viewing in a new way.

An hour ago I was lying in bed at the end of a very long and revolutionary day, pondering all of this. "What can I do for God?" I thought. "What can I do to share this love I'm feeling, the joy I'm finding in the knowledge that it will forever be mutual? What can I do to spread this to other people so that they can find this great love too?"

And an answer came. You could write about it.

"Um, now? It's midnight. I'll do it tomorrow."


Or you could do it now, while it's fresh in your mind.

The things I do for love. I turned on the light, opened my laptop, and settled down for a long period of writing that has now lasted an hour and ten minutes. I am now officially tired. My butt is sore, my legs are stiff, I have to pee, and I am beginning to feel brain constipation take over.

But you know what? I have a God that is completely worth all that and more and who deserves to be the love of my life, dang it.

Hopefully this is first of many ways I can share that love. Because you're the love of His life too.

And I bet He's not a bad-looking fellow, either.

Be Satisfied With Me

Relationships have been on my brain lately. By that, I mean two things--both the human relationship between a husband and a wife, and the relationship between ourselves and God.

I've discussed both with multiple people. Whenever I ask married people questions about marriage, whether it be theirs specifically or in general, I often get a curious stare that says "Why are you asking? You don't need to worry about this stuff yet." My response to that is "You don't know that. Neither do I. I might as well start asking now before I KNOW I have to worry about this stuff."

My frustration with all this relationship nonsense began March 25th. I remember it because it was the Sunday before my birthday and this occurred while my mom, stepdad, younger brother and I were going out to eat for a birthday dinner that evening. And I remember the date because it was the last Sunday of the month, and every last Sunday of the month my church has an evening service at six. Anyways, there was a specific moment that day in which my frustration peaked, and it was while I was in the car, waiting outside of Outback Steakhouse for my family to arrive.

That day, I had thought and thought about relationships until my head ached. And the more I thought, the angrier I became. I had read and heard so much advice about relationships and marriage that it all at that moment threatened to overcome and smother me. There was so much to think about that I had begun to feel like there was too much to remember to be worth it. Then there was the matter of relational coldness I had witnessed in my own family and outside it. I thought to myself, Who needs relationships? Who needs people? It wasn't worth it to have a relationship and have a family. Only destruction would come out of it.

Something snapped inside of me. There in the car, I made a well-planned, flawless decision that was in no way marked with hasty rage. I literally threw up my hands (don't worry, I was parked, remember?) and yelled to God, "I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED! I WILL NEVER DATE, AND I WILL NEVER START A FAMILY!"

And that, I decided, was that.

Honestly, I don't know why it came as such a surprise that God would interfere, but it did. And He did.

So I had dinner with my family and made it in time for evening church. Worship went on, communion went on, everything went well and expected.

Wanda, one of the women from the church, stepped on stage to speak. She gave her testimony and told us about her life, her previous marriages, how she came to know Christ. It was very well-told and eye-opening, getting to hear her story.

Then she started speaking about how she came to marry her husband she has now, the husband that God picked out for her. And this is where things became interesting for me.

The first time she talked to him, she knew that he was her husband. He didn't know it at the time, but eventually God told him the same thing. And here's the thing that was different than her previous relationships... this time, she had God. She loved God. She loved God so much she wanted to embrace Him. And God told her that this is exactly what marriage is--when you love God so much that you yearn to hold Him, and so He gives you someone to hold.

My brain circuitry fizzled and blew out. All I could do was sit there and gape at her. In my mind's eye, I could practically see God looking at me with a huge smirk and saying in a rather smug tone, "Marriage doesn't sound so bad now, huh?"

I've thought about that particular saying many times since then. The funny thing is, I've often thought it before but not quite in such official terms. What I mean is.... there have been so many times I've complained to God "It's so hard to love you when you aren't tangible and when I can't see you or touch you or hug you..."

"That's why I give you other people," He replies.

I've just never thought of it in a marital concept before. But it makes sense that God would give us a particular person to be intimate with, to share everything with, and to have every right to hold and who has the right to hold us too. It wouldn't mean a lot if we did the same with every single person that crossed our path... it wouldn't be meaningful and special at all. It wouldn't be a special and unique and ultimately loving relationship... the same relationship we have with God.

I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is one person we are chemically designed to be with. I don't believe that there is strictly one person for another one person. I lean more towards the concept of  "we never marry the 'right person'... rather, they become 'the one' when we marry them, when there is complete commitment towards them." This would make it easier to understand why all kinds of different people--Christ-followers, non-Christ-followers--are able to stay together for all of their lives. It's all about commitment. At the same time, I don't believe we could marry just anyone.

Anyways, I don't quite believe that there is a specific person designed for us, and I don't quite believe that we could marry anyone we want to. Some people are obviously more compatible than others. And here is where God is involved. I believe that God knows each and every one of our hearts, and that He knows what each person needs and the right timing for them. And then He begins to work and see who would bring out the best in this other person. Sometimes we need several people to work with before we get it right, and other times we get it right the first time.

I'm not going to pretend to know everything. Obviously I don't. In fact, I've got a headache right now from trying to wrap my head around it so much. I know that God knows everything in our future before it even happens, I know He knows who we will all marry, yet I don't think He made only ONE SINGLE PERSON to be compatible with. I don't know. This is all just me rambling. Maybe I'll find out someday, huh?

All I know is, God keeps track of us. He lets us know when someone isn't good for us, when someone is only there to prepare ourselves for a spouse, and when we find our future spouse. Even though I don't believe in the one person thing, I believe He specifically tells people "Yeah, go ahead and get married, you'll move mountains together" or "No, don't do it, the thought of you two together makes me physically ill." I believe He lets both people know if He'll bless their future together or not.

So recently I felt a strong pull on my heart to talk to Wanda. I pulled her aside last week and we had a long talk about marriage. I told her about my screaming in the car and how I thought I had the last word in not getting married. She said "Are you kidding? Marriage is a wonderful thing! I can't see why anyone wouldn't want to get married." (Personally, I can see some pros and cons to both the married and single life, but that's just my own cynicism.) Her enthusiasm about marriage was refreshing to hear, as opposed to the world around us which grimaces at the very thought.

Anyways, she emailed me a document on Monday. (Today is the Sunday after.) Since then, I have read it countless times, printed it out to keep at my bedside table, and have printed it out for multiple people too. It's something I want to share with everyone, because it's blessed me and it's something everyone should know anyways. It's tough to hear and tougher to do, but at the end is a promise of the relationship we all dearly want.

And it's this.

Be Satisfied With Me

 Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone

To have a deep soul relationship with another,

To be loved thoroughly and exclusively

But God, to a Christian, says:

Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with giving yourself totally, and unreservedly to me;

with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone,

discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,

will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You do not want to be reunited with another until you are united with Me exclusively of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things and keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just wait, that's all.

Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them.

And when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you'd dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),

Until you are both satisfied with Me exclusively and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the PERFECT LOVE.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly,

I AM GOD!

BELIEVE IT AND BE SATISFIED