Well, sort of. I was told who I am, and quite promptly forgot about it until September of last year, while still in Nicaragua. I remember when I first remembered. The Kolbs were at the hospital, visiting kids with cancer, and I had gotten up at some ungodly hour that morning with a lesson in my head for my youth group. I'd scrambled out of bed, ran to pee, and then sat down and wrote an entire lesson about Nicaragua. Soon I moved to type everything down on a laptop, in order to organize my thoughts better. I typed frantically for what seemed like forever. Finally, I took a breath and sat back in my chair to evaluate what I'd written. Was there anything I had missed?
Suddenly, so quickly I barely noticed it sliding into my head, I had a flashback.
Tammy, one of my youth pastors, got a vision for me during a youth event we were participating in called D Now (Disciple Now). I'd describe D Now, but well, I assume everyone reading this has the internet and can open up another tab to look it up (I'm cruel to my few, loyal minions that read my blog). The actual event was... not that great, but there were beneficial things indeed that happened. I remember sitting in a room surrounded by other girls, Carrie, and Tammy, discussing what we felt God was calling us to do in our lives. No one else said anything, so I went first.
Out of the blue, Tammy spoke up, saying God had given her a vision for me. I was in the midst of a jungle... with a machete. I was wielding that thing, hacking and slicing away and forging a path in the jungle. God told Tammy, "Ashley is a trailblazer. She will go to places no one else will go, to places everyone is afraid to go. She will make a path for herself, and for others to follow. She is my trailblazer."
At the time, I was more interested in the idea of me being a leader, and being a total, if you pardon the expression, badass with a machete. Seriously, how great is THAT for a vision about you? It wasn't until that moment in Nicaragua--sitting at the kitchen table in a house silent except for my racing thoughts, the echo of my fingers pounding on a keyboard, and multiple fans blowing cool air into the humid world--that it hit me. And when I say it hit me, I mean it punched me in the stomach so hard that it took my breath away.
About a month later, I was back in Texas and sitting across from Bill (Tammy's husband and fellow youth pastor). We were discussing this same lesson, preparing it. He loved it from the start. When I mentioned the vision and the trailblazing part, he proclaimed enthusiastically "Man, I think it's so awesome that you're figuring out who you are at such a young age! I bet if you went around and asked a lot of adults you know, they wouldn't be able to tell you who they are!"
That struck me, and it stuck. I'd never considered it was discovering who I am... in fact, it had never crossed my mind to discover who I am. Is it true, I wondered, that some or most adults don't know who they truly are deep inside? Why didn't they know? How come I'm figuring that out at my young age? Why me? Why not everyone else as well?
I gave my Nicaragua lesson January 4th, 2012. I wish I had a recording, or a good retelling for the curious who weren't present, but honestly, nothing will ever live up to the original. I could give a brief summary of my lesson, I could send you my notes and my powerpoint, but nothing could ever replace being there. My lesson was based off of the vision and the trailblazing part, where I did my best to encourage everyone to forge paths and not to be afraid of making mistakes.
At the end of the lesson, Bill stood up and crossed the room to stand beside me before everybody. "I'm going to put you on the spot," he told me ("I'm already on the spot," I said wryly) before announcing to everyone, "Ashley is a trailblazer." He said some other stuff, but mainly I sat there, face burning and heart swelling with pride at this confirmation.
Now I've gotten a reputation with it. This past weekend at another youth event, Acquire the Fire (stop your groaning, dear readers, this is the last thing I'll make you look up due to my laziness of descriptions!), I apparently drove people to near madness. Whenever we were told to meet up at our cars for snacks, or to go inside the church for worship, I would immediately set off on the quest. Mind you, we were in a huge church surrounded by hundreds of kids pushing and shoving to get past each other in a manner that invoked memories of mob violence, and everyone in our youth was told to stay together. Yeah, well, that "everyone in our youth" would walk incredibly slowly because of the amount of kids in our youth we were trying not to lose. Everyone would walk a few feet, and then stop, then walk a few feet, and stop. Being the impatient person I am, I'd begin walking quickly towards our destination. "Follow Ashley!" was the universal cry, but most everyone found it impossible to follow me due to the large crowd of kids we were fighting our way through, and also the fact that I'm one of the smallest and can squeeze between people quite easily.
"Slow down!" I was told--more than once. "Stop that trailblazing for a second and slow down!"
Out of everything at Acquire the Fire, that small thing impacted me greatly. If I can fight my way easily through a large crowd of kids heavily influenced by mob psychology, what else could I do with "that trailblazing"?
Tammy got another vision for me last night, at the very end of Acquire the Fire. Funny thing was, it was while one of my friends was asking for prayer. Tammy waited until he was done describing the pain in his shoulder before leaning over to me and saying to me, "I just had a vision."
She had gotten a picture of ice skates... ice skates that belonged to ME (I don't own ice skates). In order for me to go out on the ice, in order to work right, in order to use the skates the way they were meant to be used, it needed sharpening. God is telling me to sit still ("CRAP!" I thought) and to wait because He is sharpening my skates before I go (wherever that takes me), and He's getting me ready to leave. Mind you, it's no fun task sharpening skates: you have to grind a rough edge against the rough blades in order to make them sharp enough to function right. He's sharpening my skates so that my path will be as smooth as possible. Maybe not smooth, but smoother than the alternative.
When I heard that, my mind went back to Costa Rica, to the small church where I was on my knees with Jules next to me, saying that my looks blended in with different cultures and made me accessible to places that tall white gringos can't go.
It all goes together. People not being able to tell what culture I am, my trip to Nicaragua, Tammy's two visions, even though they were three years apart, and Julie's words. It's all going together, separate pieces beginning to form one big picture. The picture of my future. The picture of who I am.
Now I want you to think. Who are you? What has God created you to be? Do you know, do you have an idea, do you have no idea? There's no shame in not knowing. What are you going to do if you don't know who you are? Will you wander off on your own journey to figure it out, or will you go directly to God and ask?
If you know who you are--are you living up to it?
Who are you?
Now I want you to think. Who are you? What has God created you to be? Do you know, do you have an idea, do you have no idea? There's no shame in not knowing. What are you going to do if you don't know who you are? Will you wander off on your own journey to figure it out, or will you go directly to God and ask?
If you know who you are--are you living up to it?
Who are you?
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